It Never Happened
by Sekhem
Summary: A collection of stories about things that never happened to Yugi and his friends, and probably aren't likely to. Rated T, just to be on the safe side.
1. Author's Notes

This is a collection of drabbles and short pieces centering on Yugi and the people around him. The idea itself comes from collections I saw at another archive - "Ten things that never happened to.." one character or another. Some of them will be crossovers, and some of them won't. It generally depends on what was going through my mind when I was writing the piece.

It's obvious I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. If I did, I'd be a much wealthier woman than I currently am, and what's more, I wouldn't have a permanently sulky CEO and occasional priest as a muse.

I also can't claim any show that appears here.

Yu-Gi-Oh! and all associated characters and situations are owned by Kazuki Takahashi. Any other show that pops up here is owned by the people who created it.


	2. Shakedown

The Pharaoh never...got shaken down.

"Read 'em and weep."

The Pharaoh looked with dismay at the full house his opponent lay down on the table, and tried unsuccessfully to will his own cards into something he could win with. When nothing happened, he put down the pair of fives he had in his own hand

"I guess I win again." Tea smiled sweetly as she added the pot to her already considerable stack of chips.

/I told you you didn't want to play with her/ Yugi said. The Pharaoh could sense his counterpart's amusement, which did not help in the slightest.

/She said she didn't know how to play/ the Pharaoh said//I thought I could teach her how.../

/I think what she said was she would lose for about an hour/ Yugi said.

/And/

/Pharaoh...Duel Monsters isn't the only game Tea plays./

/What other game would she play/

/Poker/ Yugi said. /She's been the Domino High School Poker Champion for the past three years./

/Now you tell me.../

-0- 

A/N: I couldn't resist. Tea comes across as sweet enough that it has to be an act...at least partially. Given her environment and the people she runs with, Tea being a cardsharp seems entirely plausible. Just to give you fair warning, though, this may end up as a running gag.


	3. We Have a Problem

Bakura never...lost before he got started.

The strange blonde woman blocking the door of the Kame Game Shop was not something Bakura had figured on when he'd begun planning this caper. He'd noticed that she'd sized him up before he'd gotten within ten feet of the store, but that didn't particularly bother him. His...landlord, for lack of a better word...was small, cute, and generally seen more as hostage material than as a viable target.

"So," the blonde said, a carefully vapid smile pasted on her pretty features, "are you evil?"

"Does it matter?" he asked.

"Would I ask if it didn't?" she replied.

"Then, no, milady," he lied, "No, I am not."

The blonde's smile widened a fraction. "Oh, good," she said, visibly relaxing, "because Giles and Dr. Mouto asked me to make sure a guy named Yami no Baka--"

"I heard that, Summers," Yami no Yugi called from somewhere inside.

Her smile turned saccharine as she looked over her shoulder. "Sorry, Pharaoh," she apologized, and didn't mean a word of it. She was almost a woman after his own heart. "--didn't get in," she finished, turning her attention back to him.

"And if I were this person?" For some reason, alarm bells were starting to sound deep in his mind.

The vapid smile was back. "Well," she said, "since you're not, you can come in and have tea and cookies, and listen to Anzu and Seto fight like an old married couple."

Apparently the people inside were listening to their exchange, because there was a storm of protest at that, but she ignored it. "But if you were..." she continued. The braindead blonde routine dropped away, reavealing something far more dangerous. She took a step towards him, and he realized that she moved like a jungle cat. "If you were, then I'd just have to take you down."

"And what makes you think you could?" Bakura could hear Ryou yowling in the back of his mind to get the hell out of there i now /i , and Bakura was starting to think it wasn't such a bad idea.

"Because," she purred, "I'm the Slayer."

Oh, crap...

center -0- /center 

A/N: This just popped into my mind one day, and I just had to get it down on paper. It stands alone, but could work as a part of a larger piece. Anyone wanna take up the challenge?


	4. Fear of the Dark

Okay, I have to admit I lost interest in this fandom for a while, but finding out that this series made somebody's story alert list had me revisiting the old files on my computer.

This is an older piece, so let me know what you think. Feedback and constructive criticism are welcome, and all flames will be banished to the Shadow Realm.

I own neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor Hellsing. I'm just temporarily borrowing the characters for a little while.

#

Bakura never...was afraid of the dark.

#

"Explain to me again, yadonushi," the thief said, "why you were planning on leaving the Ring behind."

Ryou squirmed, trying to free himself from the thief's grasp. "My c- " He gasped as Bakura twisted his arm even closer to the breaking point. " - cousin Integra...she's coming to visit this weekend."

"So you want me to hide for the sake of a mere woman?" Bakura released his grip on Ryou's arm and got to his feet. "Keh. You're more pathetic than I thought."

"No," Ryou panted, struggling to sit up. "Integra's...strange. Even by our standards."

"Strange?" Bakura said, "This from the holder of the Milennium Ring, and my own little landlord?"

He nodded. "She just got out of jail. Supposedly tried to assassinate her Majesty."

The thief smirked. "Sounds like my kind of woman."

"Yami, will you listen to me?" Ryou said, "She ran some kind of group that hunted monsters...demons. Mother never really did explain it to me." The spirit's skepticism hung heavy in the air. "Just look at my memories, if you don't believe me."

Bakura never had taken a lot of interest in his other self's past, except where it concerned himself, but he did as his other self asked. After a few brief moments, he sat in the chair at Ryou's desk, his face as white as his hair. "Mother Isis protect us..." he breathed. "Why did you not tell me that she...associated...with that?"

"...Yami? What are you talking about?"

Whatever it was, the thief was utterly rattled. Otherwise, he wouldn't have let Ryou see the terror in his eyes. "Darkness, yadonushi," he said. "Total darkness."

"I thought you were the darkness, Yami," Ryou said. "Why would you be afraid?"

"There are some things," the spirit said, "that even the darkness is afraid of. Her...pet...is one of them." He took a breath, as if to steady himself. "Very well. I will do as you ask. For my sake, if nothing else."

-0-


	5. Not Quite the Breakfast Club

This is one more short I wrote some time ago, after seeing the episode where Tea made the comment about needing female friends.

As always, I am not Kazuki Takahashi or anyone who could legally lay claim to Yu-Gi-Oh or the associated situations and characters. I'd be a lot richer if I were.

Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome, and all flames will be directed to the appropriate dragon.

#

The boys never...ganged up on Tea.

#

"I need some normal friends," Tea Gardner grumbled for the umpteenth time that hour.

"What? When you got us?" Joey Wheeler asked, draping an arm around her shoulders. He removed it when she glared at him. It was either that or lose it.

"Yes," she said. "Because this - " Her gesture took in the classroom where they were currently serving detention. " - does not happen to normal people."

"Um...Tea, we got detention," Tristan Taylor said, "It's been known to happen."

"Not because of a Shadow Duel, it doesn't," she said, and flopped down behind

the nearest desk.

"She's right," Seto Kaiba commented, not taking his eyes off his computer screen. "Most people don't notice magic, even if it's right in front of them."

"Like you didn't, Kaiba?" the Pharaoh asked.

Kaiba shot him a poisonous look. "Shut up, shrimp. Both of you."

"And you don't find anything strange about this?" Tea asked.

Joey shook his head. "Not a thing," he said, "You noticed anything weird, Tris?"

"Nope."

"Neither have I," Ryou Bakura, the unintentional cause of the incident that had landed them all here, said, "Have you seen anything odd, Yugi?"

"No, nothing."

"Me neither."

If Tea hadn't known what to look for, she'd have sworn that it was Yugi sitting there looking innocent. She groaned and buried her face in her arms. "I give up..."

-0-

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Lucidscreamer for the review. I hope you like this one.


	6. Arachnophobia

I wrote this shortly after the series Spider Riders came on the air. This is probably the few crossovers of its kind, and I couldn't resist.

For those of you who've never seen that show, Hunter Steele is the main character, a boy who literally falls into another world (common theme, ne?) and finds out he'd destined to be one of that world's protectors. His reluctant partner in this operation is a very large spider named Shadow.

#

Tea never...liked bugs.

(Yu-Gi-Oh / Spider Riders)

#

Tea Gardner was a thoroughly modern woman. And so, by definition, she knew she could handle this.

The portal opening up. She had hung around with the Pharaoh for three years now. She had encountered portals before, had even fallen through them more than once. The freaky landscape, she could cope with. She'd ended up in the Shadow Realm more than once and seen things that were freakier. The humanoid insects - they looked like Duel Monsters gone horribly wrong, but she could cope with that, too.

No, what got her was the spider the size of an SUV watching her with an air of expectancy and shifting every now and then to stretch one of eight very long legs.

She hated spiders. Hated them with a passion.

So, she did what any modern woman would do when faced with one that big.

She screamed.

It waited, still with that air of expectancy, until she stopped to breathe. "Do all Earthen females usually react to warriors that way?" it asked in a voice that reminded her disturbingly of Seto Kaiba at his snarkiest. "Or are you an exception?"

#

"Oi, Shadow!" Hunter Steele called as he came over the ridge, "I tracked the Invectids as far as...huh?" His Battle Spider was standing over an unconscious girl who couldn't have been more than a few years older than he was. "What happened?"

"Beats me," Shadow said, "She took one look at me, screamed, and fainted."

"Huh. You'd think she'd never seen a spider before."

-0-


	7. More than Meets the Eye

(Hanging her head and giggling slightly) I couldn't resist. Very minor, very oblique spoiler for the movie. Megatron does have a brother, and you won't believe who it is.

#

Bakura never...forced a change

(YGO / _Transformers_ 2007)

#

The thirty-foot tall, evil, and scary-as-all-get-out robot who had identified himself as Megatron was caught flat-footed when the white-haired fleshling started laughing.

At him.

Nobody laughed at the mighty Megatron. Even his own brother never laughed at him. He made a point of incinerating people who did that.

It wasn't even the laugh that usually preceded lots of screaming, like what usually happened in his presence. No, it was the laugh of someone who was even less sane than he was, and was having a very good time about it, too.

"If you're sentient, mortal," the fleshling said, "then that means you have a soul. And if you have a soul..." The fleshling's smile put him disturbingly in mind of a Sharkticon closing in on its prey. "...then you belong to me."

The ring the human wore around his neck glowed white, and it seemed to take up his entire world for a moment. When Megatron's vision cleared, he was standing in a forest of statues, unable to move.

The human, now grown to the same immense proportions he had until recently possessed, regarded him cooly, as if he were a particularly uninteresting specimen. "This world is mine, robot," he said. "Your kind have no place here, save as one of my landlord's toys." He started to walk away, then turned and smirked at him. "Get used to it, Lord Megatron." The spark that was Megatron boiled at the mockery in the boy's voice. "You're not going anywhere."


	8. A Fistfull of Dice

Okay, I have to admit it. This one I ripped off shamelessly from a Kinghts of the Dinner Table comic, where a Dungeon Master does pretty much the same thing for a similar reason. It's a shocking abuse of power, I know, but it makes for a good story.

I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and if I did, I'd be a lot richer than I currently am.

Thank you all for the reviews.

#

The Pharaoh never...went dungeon-crawling.

#

As usual, when presented with some of the odder aspects of twenty-first century life - particularly the ones that directly affected his other half and the people around them - the Pharaoh was mystified. Explain this to me again, aibou, he said.

_**It's a role-playing game**,_ Yugi said, showing far more patience than the Pharaoh himself would have had. **_Kind of like that Shadow Game Bakura played with us after Duelist Kingdom, except without the soul-stealing._**

_**It doesn't feel like a Shadow Game**,_ the Pharaoh said, **_It feels more like I've come in in the middle of a tale._**

**_That's because you have...kinda. We've been playing these characters for a few years now._** The Pharaoh's confusion was still evident, so Yugi tried explaining a different way. **_It's sorta like a video game. Each of us plays as a character, and one of us is the Dungeon Master, who controlls the action and is sort of a narrator._**

**_What's Kaiba's role in this?_** The CEO was bickering with Tea over the dumb chances he - no, his character - had taken while killing orcs that existed nowhere except in their collective imaginations, which led to an arguement about how her character, apparently a thief of the non-psychotic variety, had nearly gotten herself killed trying to steal an equally imaginary jewel from a temple that didn't exist.

Yugi smirked. **_Surprisingly,_** he said, **_he's a paladin. A champion for the light._** The smirk became a grin. **_Joey's the Dungeon Master - the DM._**

The Pharaoh echoed Yugi's amusement. **_Given how well Kaiba takes to outside direction..._**

Yugi nodded. **_Explosive at best._**

_**Why does he still play, then?**_

_**Joey tells a better story than he does.**_

"Hey, Yuge," Joey interrupted, "Are you and the Pharaoh gonna talk all day, or are we gonna get started?"

"Sorry, Joey."

The Pharaoh settled down and listened as Joey set the scene and the storytelling began. All went well until the party tangled with somethng called a drow - a nastier version of the Celtic Guardian in their deck, Yugi explained. The creatures apparently carried poisoned weapons, and Kaiba's paladin quickly ran afoul of them.

"Sorry, Kaiba. Direct hit," Joey said, "Ryuujin's down, and he ain't getting back up anytime soon."

"Wait a minute, Wheeler," Kaiba said, "My paladin has a +3 saving throw against all poisons."

"Sorry, Kaiba," Joey said. Was it the Pharaoh's imagination, or was Joey enjoying himself? "No dice."

"No, three dice," Kaiba said, "I want my saving throw."

"Not gonna happen." Yes, he was definitely enjoying himself.

"My character sheet says I get the saving throw." Kaiba pointed to the space on the offending document.

"Not any more," Joey said. He picked up his pencil and scratched out the statistic.

The Pharaoh wondered if he'd have time to take control of the body and get Yugi to cover before Kaiba lost it. Surprisingly, it didn't happen. "Tell me, Wheeler," he said with an almost dangerous calm, "would this be because I happen to be dating your sister?"

Joey twitched.

**_Aibou, I'm taking over._** The Pharaoh was just in time to help stop Joey from going over the table for Kaiba's throat.

-0-

A/N: Most gamers I know who are into CCGs (collectible card games) are also into role-playing games. Considering that most of the characters are hard-core gamers, it only makes sense that they'd have a D&D game going.


	9. A Dish Served Cold

Sorry about the delay, folks. Real life's been complicated lately, and I haven't had a lot of energy for writing.

As always, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and all characters and associated situations belong to the people who actually created them.

#

Rebecca never...got her revenge.

#

"Hey, you! Too-Tall!"

The piercing voice came from somewhere behind and below him, but he ignored it. He had other things to think about.

"Hey, Trench Coat Boy!" A small hand caught a fold of his jacket. "I"m talking to you!"

Anyone who knew him knew that he wouldn't hurt a child, but she didn't know that. He drew himself up to his full height and turned. "If you wanted my attention, little girl," he purred, "you've got it."

The little girl glared back at him, completely unintimidated. "Are you Seto Kaiba?" she demanded.

He nodded. "What about it?"

"Are you the same Seto Kaiba who owns three of the only Blue Eyes White Dragon cards in the world, and tore up the fourth?"

What the hell? The only people who knew about that were Yugi, his grandfather, the mutt and his helmet-headed shadow, and the cheerleader. "Yes..."

The little girl's glare didn't waver. "Good." With that, she wound up and kicked him hard in both shins. "That's for my grandpa and Yugi's grandpa, you jerk." She smirked in satisfaction, then picked up the teddy bear sitting on the park bench. "See, Teddy, I told you it wouldn't take long," she said to it, and skipped away.

-0-

Author's Note: Nobody ever explained to Rebecca Hawkins exactly what did happen to the fourth Blue Eyes White Dragon card, did they?


	10. All's Fair in Love and War

Once again, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the associated characters. If I did, I'd be a lot richer than I am.

My theory is that Serenity Wheeler is not the total innocent her big brother thinks she is. Nobody can be that sweet and innocent and it not be an act...at least on some level.

Let me know what you think. All reviews are welcome, and flames will be directed to the appropriate dragon.

#

Serenity never...messed with his head.

#

"Dude, I didn't think people could bend that way."

"It's gotta be special effects."

"It'd be on the box." Tristan picked up the case, though he didn't take his eyes off the screen.

"It ain't. I checked."

"It can't be real."

"Suppose they're holograms?"

"Actually, all you need are about three months of gymnastics classes and a pint of vanilla yogurt."

Joey and Tristan turned at the sound of the sweet female voice from behind them. Serenity stood calmly in the doorway, watching the tape over their shoulders.

"Hnh?" Joey managed after a minute.

"Anything else, and the seeds chafe," she continued.

"Hnh?" Joey repeated, about half an octave higher.

"A third person helps, too. As a spotter, you know." She picked her way through the mess on Joey's bedroom floor, and ruffled his hair. "I've got a date with Seto tonight," she said, then turned and sashayed out. She paused at the door and turned with a smirk on her face. "Don't wait up."

-0-


	11. One Girl in All the World

This one is another take on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Yu-Gi-Oh crossover. I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and Buffy isn't mine either.

All reviews are welcome, and flames will be directed to the appropriate dragon. Let me know what you think.

#

Tea never...knew the monsters were real.

#

Tea Gardner had been having a fine evening up until this moment. The weather was warm; there was a full moon in the sky; and the Pharaoh had agreed to see her home. The monster coming out of nowhere, bent on tearing them limb from limb, was not the topper she had in mind.

"You die now, Slayer," it hissed, the words barely intelligible through a mouthful of sharp teeth.

_My God, it's real..._ It was no Duel Monster she recognized, and it wasn't an Orichalcos monster. But on the tail end of her panic came the thought, _I can take him._

"Get behind me, Tea," the Pharaoh said, putting himself between her and the creature.

It swatted him out of the way as if he were a particularly annoying bug, and barely broke stride. The Pharaoh hit the ground and lay still several yards away.

"Pharaoh!" She started to go to him, even though he was already starting to pick himself up, only to find herself face-to-face with the monster. It lunged at her, and she reacted without thinking, dodging its attacks and responding with her own.

She had been a dancer for most of her life, but she still wasn't used to physical fighting, so she started to lose ground as soon as she got tired. When it began to look hopeless, a shadow - no, a man in a black trenchcoat - jumped in and snapped its neck. He let the corpse drop to the ground, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it with an air of calculated nonchalance.

"That...that..." Tea's legs started to slide out from under her as the enormity of what had happened began to sink in. The Pharaoh put an arm around her to support her as much as to comfort her. Either way, she accepted it gratefully.

"That..." the man said, "wasn't human."

"What was it?" The Pharaoh was still shaken, but had regained enough composure to ask.

"Kerak demon." The man took another long drag from his cigarette and exhaled the smoke in one long breath. "If I hadn't been here, it would have torn the whelp's heart out. And yours, once it was done playing."

Tea decided to ignore the implications until later. "It called me a Slayer," she said, "What's a Slayer?"

"That's what you are, pet."

"And what are you?" she asked.

"The name's Spike," he said, "and me--I'm your new Watcher."

-0-


	12. Sugar and Spice

Nope. Still not mine.

This one was actually inspired by something I read once about ancient Egypt.

#

Bakura never...had a favorite food.

#

**_What_**, the thief said, **_is that?_**

**_It's food, Yami_**, Ryou grumbled. He wasn't a morning person even under the best of circumstances, and having a suspicious Egyptian spirit snarking at him before he'd gotten his eyes open did not qualify.

**_I want specifics, Light_**, the thief said. **_What. Is. It?_**

**_It's called a cinnamon bun_**, Yami, he said. **_People eat them for breakfast._**

Instead of anger, there was a sense of curiosity from the spirit. **_Cinnamon? It can't be..._**

Ryou shrugged and dug into his breakfast...or, rather, he started to. After the first bite, the thief took control.

When he came back to himself, his breakfast was gone, his stomach was full, and the thief settled back into his soul room with a contented sigh. **_Such things in these modern times_**, the spirit murmured, **_Perhaps I won't destroy the world after all..._**

Ryou wasn't sure whether to be worried or relieved.

-0-

A/N: Cinnamon was available in ancient Egypt, but only the wealthy were able to afford it. As a thief and tomb robber, even as the King of Thieves, Bakura probably wouldn't have had access to it except on very rare occasions, and only then as something to be sold.


	13. Solitary Confinement

Sorry this one took so long. Work's been busy, and I haven't had much time to update.

As always, thanks for the reviews, and Yu-Gi-Oh is not mine. I'd be a much wealthier woman if I did.

I think I wrote this while I was recovering from a bad cold, if that tells you anything.

#

Seto never...was contagious.

#

"Are you sure we should be here, Yugi?" Tea Gardner said, fidgeting as she looked up at the gates of the Kaiba mansion.

"Well, Sensei wanted someone to take Kaiba his homework for the past week..." Yugi Moto said.

"Not that he ever does it," she interrupted.

"...and I wanted to check on him, too," Yugi finished. At her look, he said, "I was worried."

She smiled and shook her head fondly. "Only you..."

He flicked the switch on the intercom and spoke into it. "Kaiba-kun?" he said, "Are you there?"

"Go away, Moto." Kaiba's voice sounded hoarse, as though he had a bad cold.

"Kaiba-kun, are you okay?" Yugi tried again.

"I'm fine," he said in a tone that the Pharaoh had come to associate wtih the attitude of go-away-and-let-me-suffer-in-peace tone that he'd heard from Yugi more than once.

_**Hey!**_

"Kaiba, you can't stay in there forever," he said.

"No, just for the next two weeks."

Two weeks? And why was Yugi snickering?

"Kaiba," the Pharaoh tried again, "whatever the trouble is, we can help..."

"No, you can't," he said, "Now, go away."

"We brought your homework," Tea blurted.

"Like I give a damn."

"We're not contagious, Kaiba-kun," Tea said. And why was Yugi snickering again?

"But he is!" Mokuba's voice, calling, but softened by the distance.

"Mokuba!"

"Nii-sama's got the chicken pox," Mokuba said.

"Dammit, little brother...!"

-0-


	14. Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition

Okay, people, this is a weird one, just to give you fair warning. I drew on an old piece I once read for the basic idea, but the rest is pure fanservice. This one is rated T for gratuitous nudity and the guys' potty mouths.

I don't own these guys, and, after this, I'm not entirely sure I'd want to...

And, with no further ado, I give you...

#

Bakura never...had to work with amateurs.

#

Summers in Domino City tended to be on the warm side, which was, in the opinion of the Spirit of the Milennium Ring, one of the few boons the gods had chosen to grant that night.

"For the record, Wheeler, this is all your fault," Seto Kaiba, the modern incarnation of the Unnamed Pharaoh's high priest, hissed from behind them.

"The hell'd I do?" Joey Wheeler, their partner in crime and, for reasons beyond his fathoming, the Pharaoh's best friend, shouted. "Bakura's the one who screwed up!"

The Spirit stopped dead in his tracks at that. It was one thing for his foe's lackeys to call him a tomb robber; he was one, and he proudly admitted it. It was another thing entirely to accuse him of being unprofessional on a job. "Like bloody hell I did," he snarled. "If the fault lies anywhere, it lies with the Pharaoh in saddling me with a pair of rank amateurs."

"I'm hardly an amateur, Bakura," Kaiba said.

The thief snorted at that. "In the corporate sphere, perhaps," he said, "but you know nothing about breaking and entering."

"So why are we walking through the woods naked, again?" Joey asked.

"If you had followed my instructions, that would never have happened." He stalked silently through the bushes for a few minutes more. "Now, shut up, follow me, and don't ask questions. If the gods decide to be merciful, we can get home before we're seen."

"And if they ain't?"

"If we are seen," Bakura hissed, "my landlord will come under the suspicion of the authorities, you will lose your liberty, and the priest will lose his reputation. And I will personally slit your throat."

"With what?" Kaiba asked. "As I recall, your knives got eaten along with our clothes."

Before the Spirit could answer, Wheeler spoke up. "Don't look now, guys," he said, "but we got company."

"Oh, gods..." He closed his eyes in silent pain and wondered how things could have possibly gone so wrong. Apparently the brat had decided to keep an eye on him, after all.

As the all-too familiar little red convertible pulled up and Tea Gardner, Mai Valentine, and Serenity Wheeler got out, the Duelists did their best to cover themselves with what they had - i.e. nothing but their hands.

"You know," Tea said, her eyes wide and taking in every detail, "I had a dream about this once..."

"And she's called us perverts?" Joey said to Kaiba.

"Speak for yourself, Wheeler."

"Should I even ask what happened?" Mai asked.

For the first time in their lives, Joey, Kaiba, and Bakura were unanimous in thier opinion. "Hell, no!"

"You're probably right." The three boys relaxed until she added, "I'd probably be too busy laughing to listen."

"At least the Pharaoh won't know," Bakura said, casting a death glare at his would-be accomplices.

"Ren, what are you doing with that camera?" Joey asked suddenly.

The red-haired girl had pulled a digital camera out of her backpack and had started snapping pictures. "It's called blackmail material, Big Brother," she said.

Kaiba looked like he was trying to figure out how to grab the camera and bolt, while holding onto what little dignity the situation had left him. "Wheeler, your sister is evil."

"Not you, Seto-sweetie," she said, still taking pictures. "Just Joey. Besides..." She looked at him with the air of a cat that had just cornered a mouse. "...it's nothing I haven't seen before."

Bakura looked at Serenity, then at Kaiba, and raised one eyebrow in a gesture he'd picked up from his landlord. "Is there something you're not telling us, priest?" he said.

It was an impossible situation. Even Wheeler would know that if he wasn't too busy putting the pieces together and gettng gods-knew-what as an answer. But Kaiba stood his ground...

"Nothing that's of any concern to you."

...and did his damnedest to try and weasel out of it. Bakura was almost impressed.

-0-


	15. Fight Called On Account of Weirdness

This is one I wrote a while back, with the theory that the one thing Seto Kaiba probably craves in his life is normalcy. It's probably part of why he fights so hard against the idea of magic, and his having it. Yugi and his friends, unfortunately, just don't seem to get it.

As always, _Yu-Gi-Oh_ and the characters and situations in it aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. There are a few shades of silentshipping in here, but it's nothing too terribly intrusive.

Any and all reviews are welcome, so if you like this let me know, and if you don't, please be kind. Flames will be directed to my pet dragons.

#

Seto never...found someone who understood.

#

The discussison Serenity had been having with Kaiba had disintegrated into a shouting match about ten minutes ago, and she was to the point where she didn't know whether she wanted to tear his throat out or his clothes off.

It was a credit to her temper that she was too angry to be embarrassed by that thought.

The arguement came to an abrupt end when a figure in blue, with elaborately spiked hair, crashed into her and fell almost directly into her lap. He quickly righted himself and took the time to straighten his jacket. "Don't tell Bakura I came this way, will you, Serenity?" he said, then sprinted away before either she or Kaiba could reply.

"Was that...Yugi?" she finally asked.

Kaiba was silent for a moment, watching as the figure retreated. "No," he finally said, "that was the Pharaoh."

"How can you tell?"

"His hair is spikier."

"I repeat, how can you tell?"

Less than a minute later, a second figure, this one in a blue and white striped sweater, with wild white hair, flew past, leavng behind a stream of obscenities that would make a twenty-year veteran of the U.S. Navy blush and brandishing what looked like a bokken.

"Tell me that wasn't Ryou," she said.

"It wasn't," he said. "That was Bakura."

"How can you tell?"

"Ryou's hair doesn't stick up like that." Kaiba was silent for a moment, then frowned. "I just wonder where the Ring is."

"The what?"

"The Milennium Ring," he explained. "It looks like a dreamcatcher with spikes."

A moment later, a low janglng came from somewhere near ground level, softly at first, then getting louder. The Milennium Ring galloped past them, apparently chasing the thief and the Pharaoh.

They watched silently as the Ring disappeared from sight, until Serenity finally spoke. "The Milennium Ring, I presume?"

He nodded.

"And this is what Joey calls normal?

"Unfortunately, yes."

"No wonder you have problems with my brother and his friends."

"It's about damn time somebody noticed."

-0-


	16. Two Sides of the Same Coin

Sorry this took so long. I've been working on other projects (Three of a Kind comes to mind...) and I actually found this in an old notebook.

This one is an unusual one. It's a crossover with the BBC series, _Jekyll_, a sort of modern retelling of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's a combination of horror, drama, and a little bit of comedy thrown in. The main character is Tom Jackman, a research scientist who has a wife, twin sons, an alter ego who personifies all of his nastier impulses, and an entire coroporation that wants to literally take him apart and find out what makes him tick. It only gets more interesting from there.

As always, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and I obviously don't own Jekyll. Otherwise, Mr. Hyde would be at _my_ mercy.

Again, keep reading and reviewing. I crave the attention.

#

Ryou never...found a sympathetic ear.

#

"Let me get this straight," the Irishman said. "You woke up one morning and found out that a nastier version of yourself was borrowing your body at night for his own immoral purposes without so much as a by-your-leave from you. Is that right?"

Ryou Bakura hesitated. The man seemed to be taking him seriously, but then he could be planning to call the local insane asylum on him, too, for all he knew.

"I don't think you're daft, lad," he added, "if that's what you're worried about. Is that really what's going on?"

Ryou nodded and braced himself for the man's reaction.

"If it's any consolation," he said, "I sympathize completely. I've got a similar problem myself. You're not alone in this."

"I-if it's all the same, Dr...."

"Tom Jackman."

" - Dr. Jackman, I don't think you quite understand..."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Dr. Jackman, who suddenly seemed younger and wilder, smirked. "If I were you, I'd listen to what Daddy has to say..."

-0-


	17. Hammer of the Goddess

This is an old one. I found it in an old notebook of mine from about five years ago, and I'd almost forgotten I wrote it. At the time, I was considering developing it into a longer piece, but I never did.

Let me know what you think. Reviews are always welcome, but flames will be used to cook my supper.

As always, neither Yu-Gi-Oh and the associated characters and situations, nor the characters from Ah! My Goddess are not mine.

#

Yugi never...warranted divine intervention.

#

The duel between him and Kaiba hadn't been an especially major one. More like two sorta-friends / occasional enemies getting together and blowing off steam after having gone through a particularly bad time together. The only audience outside their immediate circle of friends and acquaintances had been the few people who'd chanced to be there.

So it had come to a total shock to both Yugi and the Pharaoh when the little girl accosted Yugi and dragged him into an empty conference room.

**_Yami, _**Yugi asked, _**what's she doing?**_

_**I have no idea,**_ the Pharaoh answered.

The little girl had been pacing a circle around them for the past five minutes, studying them as if they were an interesting specimin under a microscope. As if she'd heard them, she stopped pacing, and her face lit up with a broad grin. "I thought so!" she crowed. "Two people in one. I knew there was something strange about you."

"Uh...Miss..." Yugi began.

"Huh?" The little girl frowned, as if she'd forgotten he was standing there. "Oh!" She pulled a card out of a hidden pocket in her skirt and handed it to him. "Skuld," she said by way of introduction. "Goddess, Third Class, and debugger extraordinaire."

_**Yami, what's she talking about?**_

The only answer he got was a murmured prayer that Yugi recognized as part of the Hymn to Ra from the Egyptian Book of the Dead.

Again, Skuld seemed to hear him, and laughed merrily at that. "Don't worry, Pharaoh," she said. "That's not why I'm here. You still have things to do here in Midgard. You know," she added, at his blank look. "Earth."

"Then why are you here?" the Pharaoh asked.

Skuld didn't answer, but pulled what looked like a dressmaker's tape measure out of her pocket and started taking him measurements, making careful notes as she worked. When she was done, he was blushing furiously, but had no more answers than when she'd started.

"Lady Skuld..." he began.

She made a few final notes, put away the tape measure. "You can just call me Skuld," she said, and pulled out a piece of chalk.

"Skuld, then. Why are you here?"

She grinned up at him, and marked an X on the center of his chest. "So I can do this..." She suddenly had a very large mallet in her hands. "Now, hold still," she said. "This might sting a bit.

And she wound up...

#

"Sign please."

When Yugi's vision cleared, Skuld was standing in front of him with a clipboard in her hand. He shook his head to try to get rid of the cobwebs. "What did you do?"

"Exactly what I said," she said. "I removed a bug from the programming of the universe." She glanced over his shoulder at something behind him. "Your Egyptian friend should be okay in a day or two."

"Huh?"

She stepped back and regarded him through narrowed eyes. "You may want to take it easy yourself," she said. "You look tired."

He took the clipboard and signed the paper without reading it. He must have missed something, because the only Egyptian friend he had was...

**_Yami? _**he asked tentatively.

There was no answer. Not even a hint that he was, or had ever been there.

"Yugi?"

The others had found him. He noticed only vaguely as Skuld pressed a copy of the paper into his hand and skipped out of the room just as his friends came in.

"Oh, man," Joey Wheeler said. "Are you guys seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"What?" Tristan said from behind him. "Yugi, are you... Oh, holy..."

"Oh, God," Kaiba said in the tones of someone who knows for an absolute fact that the universe is screwing with him and is not at all happy about it. "There's two of him."

"Yugi..." Tea spoke carefully, as though she were dreading the answer. "...are _you_ okay?

"No!" He wheeled around to face her, and she took an involuntary step backwards at whatever she saw on his face. "Yami - "

...was lying in a crumpled heap halfway across the room.

Only then did he remember the piece of paper in his hand. It looked like an invoice, though it was written in no language he recognized. A handwritten note explained it. "Repair: One tempero-spatial overlap resulting in unauthorized minor possession. Labor authorization code: 7772163. Technician: Skuld, Goddess of the Future, Third Class."

-0-


	18. Lights Out

Ladies and gentlemen, I have at long last returned...to the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom, at any rate. I've been working on projects in other fandoms, to say nothing of an original novel I'm trying to plot out, and this sort of got left by the wayside.

I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the characters or situations associated with it. The most I can do is claim Seto as a reluctant muse.

#

Seto never...made a basic mistake.

#

The pool of light spilled into the dark office as Mokuba came in carrying a candle. The storm had knocked the lights out, but his brother had been stubborn enough to try to keep working in the dark, right up until the bolt of lightning had flash-fried the generator that powered the estate's emergency systems. He hadn't heard a peep out of Seto since the house went dark, and had finally come to check on him. "Nii-sama, are you okay?"

Seto was sitting in the same chair where Mokuba had left him, staring blankly at the dead computer screen.

"Nii-sama?" His brother's silence was starting to remind him uncomfortably of the time he'd spent in a coma.

"Twenty pages on the Heian era and the _Tale of Genji_..." Seto said softly. "It took me four hours to proofread and edit it...."

"Nii-sama?" If he hadn't known better, he'd have sworn his brother looked like he was about to cry.

"Four fucking hours..." he muttered, and buried his face in his hands, "...and I forgot to save it before we lost power..."

-0-

A/N: Seto may be a genius, but even he can make a mistake.


	19. Gone to the Dogs

Okay. This one's a weird one. I have no idea where in my subconscious it came from, and I'm almost sure I don't want to know.

All I can say for sure is that these folks are not mine. Reviews are welcome, but send the flames to the dragons.

#

Mokuba and Serenity...never understood why.

#

"...sonuvabitch bastard..."

"I don't believe it."

"...dumb mutt...don't know enough to quit..."

"Believe it, Serenity."

"...'m not a dog, jerk..."

"But they're both still out."

"...couldn't win a duel to save your life..."

"I've seen weirder."

"...can't beat Yugi to save yours..."

"How can they fight when they're both unconscious?"

"...rabid dog...slipped your chain again..."

"Our brothers really don't like each other."

"...'m not a dog, bastard..."

"Mokuba...what's with the dog thing?"

"...sure bark like one..."

"I...have no idea."

-0-


End file.
